COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
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“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…