They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
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How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.