I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
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i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.