Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
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I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Based Erika
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.