single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
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*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.