[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
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“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
pls suprot
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!