When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
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“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
They’re on their honeymoon
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF