I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
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Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?