I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
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How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Think I pulled my liver
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.