person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
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[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.