Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
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shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.