FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
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I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.