MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
You Might Also Like
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
😂😂
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD