I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
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Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?