Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
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My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK