Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
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chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.