Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
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If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.