3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
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I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Webb. James Webb.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though