me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
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Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩