Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
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I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
ibopfufen
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*