maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
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Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
i love modern commerce
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da