12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
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I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
That’s incredible! 👌
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl