[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
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*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I love the National Park Service.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick