oh shit
You Might Also Like
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now