Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
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Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther