HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
You Might Also Like
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks