I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
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BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok