It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
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I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I’m not alone. I have ants.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
selfie game
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green