“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
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I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.