Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
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Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”