I have so many questions.
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[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Order here:
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Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
☺️
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”