5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
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get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
*lint rolls you awake*
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
me adding lol on a serious message
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’