[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
You Might Also Like
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes