I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
You Might Also Like
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I am, perchance
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate