Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
You Might Also Like
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.