Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
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Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.