It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
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“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
So glad we cleared that up
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually