I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
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“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
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Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective