My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
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If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?