Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
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Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
The first one, obviously
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT