Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
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My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.