I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
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Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies