I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
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Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Happens to everyone.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Match dot com, but for socks.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore