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“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒