I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
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5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
You look like you would fail a DNA test
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.