If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
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Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Why am I like this?
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid