*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
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2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes