A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
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Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I have no passwords left in me
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”