My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
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If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
couldn’t resist