Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
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Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here